


Dark Night of The Soul

by FrostFire36



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), M/M, Protective Crowley, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostFire36/pseuds/FrostFire36
Summary: Aziraphale would rather die then fall.Crowley doesn’t intend to let him do either.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 58





	1. Doubt comes in

I won’t believe in Heaven or Hell. No saints, no sinners, no devil as well  
No pearly gates, no thorny crown  
You're always letting us humans down  
The wars you bring, the babes you drown  
Those lost at sea and never found  
And it's the same the whole world round  
The hurt I see helps to compound  
The Father, son and holy ghost  
Is just somebody's unholy hoax  
And if you're up there you'll perceive  
That my heart's here upon my sleeve  
If there's one thing I don't believe in  
It's you

\- Dear God by xtc

Aziraphale had always been Crowley’s anchor. His unwavering faith and unfailing optimism always managed to give Crowley hope even during his worst times. Aziraphale was sunshine incarnate.

So when Aziraphale started acting unusual Crowley noticed immediately. It started with the smiling, Aziraphale lost his smile. Oh he still smiled once in a while but he had lost his ever present grin and the general aura of joy he had around him was simply gone and replaced by a faint wisp of what had once been there. He still chattered away as always but he had lost that special spark that illuminated him from the inside when he spoke. Crowley observed all this but kept silent. Perhaps Aziraphale was just feeling a bit off. Why embarrass him? But then something Occurred that Crowley could not ignore.

“You’re done?!” Crowley was staring at his friends half eaten plate of coq au vin as though it were holy water. “But…Angel..you never leave food and come to think of it you’re never full.”

Aziraphale shrugged, “There’s a first time for everything. Shall we go my Dear?”

“Without dessert?”

Aziraphale turned his blue eyes flatly to Crowley. “ Oh…I’m sorry Dear. I wasn’t aware you wanted any. Of course. By all means…”

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Aziraphale looked alarmed, wide sky blue eyes flipped to Crowley’s eyes hidden behind his glasses.

“Oh dear, have I done something?”

Crowley took a deep breath. 

“I’m not mad at you Angel..it’s just..you haven’t been yourself for weeks and it seems to be getting worse. ‘M worried about you.”

Another empty smile from Aziraphale.

That’s very kind of you, Crowley. But I’m perfectly fine. Fit as a fiddle.”

Crowley knew he would get no where-but there was more then one way to skin a rat.

“All right then,Angel. You know me always over reacting. Let’s go, we can head back to my flat. I have a couple of bottles of red that need drinking. I won’t take no for an answer! Let’s go!”

“That does sound rather nice. “ said Aziraphale with a thin smile.

Crowley was ecstatic. 

“Brilliant!”

“But, I’m afraid I must decline.”

Fuck.

Crowley was at the end of his rope.

“Why? Why must you decline?! Give me one reason Angel. Give me one thing that can’t wait for a few hours!”

“Crowley, Dear! There’s no reason to make a scene!”

Crowley gritted his teeth and willed himself to speak calmly.

“It’s been weeks Angel! Weeks since we’ve had a talk that was about anything other then food,weather, or our days. Is it me? Have I done something ?”

Aziraphale motioned for the waiter for another bottle and leaned in to Crowley.

“My Dear, there is nothing you could do to lose my trust in you or my Lo-Friendship. Please believe me when I tell you this has nothing to do with you.”

Aziraphale sighed deeper then he had ever sighed in his life and rubbed his eyes wearily.

“I’ve been having problems of a personal nature. You needn’t worry I’ve got them nearly resolved.”

Crowley peered over his glasses, “What kind of personal issues?”

“The ones that are none of your business!” Snapped Aziraphale his eyes blazing.

Crowley was shocked but said nothing. The wine arrived and was poured. Finally Aziraphale spoke.

“I am so very sorry,Crowley. It’s just …This is something I truly must deal with alone.”

“But my question is why? Why do you have to deal with it alone? Especially when I…”

“Crowley..please..”

“ But…

“Damn it,Crowley will you shut up!”  
Crowley stiffened, his eyes behind his glasses had gone wide as an owls.

“Angel, I-“

“You and your questions! You can never leave well enough alone can you? It’s no wonder-“

A look of horror passed over Aziraphale’s face. Crowley’s face had gone chalk white.

“I didn’t say it! I-I didn’t mean to-“

“You…” Crowley’s voice wavered dangerously “You need to get yourself sorted. Because if you ever say that to me again you’ll be eating alone from then on.”

He rose slamming some cash down and walked away leaving Aziraphale alone with his thoughts.  
Which is of course the worst of tortures.

“What is this?! Are these wilted leaves I’m looking at? Surely not, after all I did just tell you to STRAIGHTEN UP! You are all an embarrassment, a total disgrace! “

Crowley was having a “heart to heart” with his house plants again. Also known as terrorizing the spores out of them. Really deep down he knew it wasn’t just about the plants.

“YOU! Fig tree! Do you know I haven’t seen a single damn fig from you this year. Not one!  
Can I just say..What the fuck? And you fern! What are you sulking about? Honestly you lot need to shape up, straighten up and GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!”

Crowley backed out of the room with an icy glare. “I’m watching you!”

Crowley had just thrown himself down on the sofa with a very nice Shiraz when the knock came at the door. He rolled his eyes and ignored it. He continued to do so until he heard the clatter of falling keys and a voice say: “Oh crumpets!” 

Only one person he knew used that expression. He sighed and walked to the door. When he opened the door Aziraphale almost fell into the flat. Crowley caught him and put him back on his feet. Aziraphale looked terrible. Clothing askew, hair ruffled, bow tie undone and there was a distinct odor of expensive wine around him and his gaze was glassy.

“Crowley! “

“For somebody’s sake, Aziraphale you might have sobered up first. Apologizing when your drunk is like eating a diet pastry. It seems the same but there’s no goodness in it.”

“I don’t want to sober up, Crowley. If I were sober I’da been too ‘mbarassed to..hic…show my face here. So…so lemme talk ‘fore ..fore it wears off.”

Crowley ran a hand over his face then escorted Aziraphale over to the sofa.

“Here, sit down before you fall down. “

Aziraphale looked balefully up at Crowley.

“I’m sorry, Crowley. I shouldn’t have said..”  
“No you shouldn’t have. Look just Sober up and we’ll talk ok?”

Aziraphale did just that and he looked absolutely miserable.

“I truly am sorry Crowley.” The Angel said “I didn’t mean it. My mind is worn very thin lately.”

“Tell me what’s going on, Angel . Let me help you .”

Aziraphale leaned toward Crowley “oh my Dear Boy I wish I could. But I can’t tell anyone. Not even you.”

Crowley sat in a chair opposite his friend. His Golden orbs studying Aziraphale trying to read his every gesture.

“Why can’t you tell me? You’ve always been able to talk to me about anything.”

Aziraphale’s face crinkled pathetically. “This is different…but the good news is I think I’ve figured things out. “

“Between The Ritz and here? Talk about your miracles.”

“Oh, I think I’ve known what I have to do for a while now. It was just admitting it to myself.”

Crowley narrowed his eyes “and just what do you have to do Angel?”

Aziraphale fidgeted slightly and looked so uncomfortable Crowley gave up.

“Look, just be careful…Don’t give me that Gaurdian of the Eastern Gate crap either. You’re my best friend. You’re not allowed to leave me.”

Crowley grinned but Aziraphale looked pale. 

“You know Angel, I really am worried about you. I’ve got this feeling every time I’m near you. It’s like when a cold breezes brushes the back of my neck. Somethings not right.”

Aziraphale’s eyes grew misty. “I am so very greatful for your concern for me. I couldn’t ask for a better friend or..” Aziraphale faltered fought for control and lost. The Angel burst into tears with great hiccuping sobs that Shook his entire frame. Crowley was horrified.

“ Hey,Hey,Hey! Angel…It’s OK.” Crowley put a hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder. “It’s OK. I’ve got you. Just…try to calm down.”

“I-I hate this. I hate doing this…I can’t -I’m sorry! I need to go…”

“Not a chance.” Crowley gently pushed Aziraphale back into the chair.” I’m not letting you go any where like this. Please Angel, I’m begging you tell me what’s going on.”

Aziraphale’s voice was weary sounding. “ Crowley…have you ever been in a situation where all the choices were bad but you still had to choose…and you knew someone would be hurt either way?”

“ Yeah, lots of times.”

“How did you choose?”

“I just did. I mean it doesn’t really matter. You’re fucked either way.”

Aziraphale made a little noise and put his face in his hands.

“ Angel, I’m here for you. No matter what, I’ve got you ok?”

Aziraphale nodded and then looked up at Crowley. For a moment  
Crowley thought Aziraphale was going to ask him something then he looked away.

After a moment he spoke, his voice was wandering unfocused.

“It’s a strange sort of thing isn’t it Crowley? This world..this universe we exist in. Everything’s gone all inside out and upside down hasn’t it? Heh…All part of Her ineffable plan . All things make sense in her infinite wisdom.”  
Aziraphale studied his flawless finger nails and spoke again  
“Except it doesn’tthey don’t.” He laughed dryly, “I mean she can do such glorious things and we’re supposed to think she can’t make crops grow for her starving people. I mean..you’ve seen it too Crowley. The flood was bad enough but she just kept on . Epidemics, famines, floods, wars.  
Some times Crowley I wonder if she hasn’t abandoned us completely.”

“Stop!”

Crowley’s eyes had turned to saucers behind his dark lenses.

“You can’t…I mean you shouldn’t. Aziraphale…you sound like me. Please stop, your scaring me.

“Oh for goodness sake, Crowley you’ve said far worse !”

“But-that’s me! I’m a demon I can do that. But you can’t say things like that Angel! That’s how you end up..”

Aziraphale turned miserable eyes on him.

“Falling? Yes, Crowley I know. That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone.”

He furrowed his brow, “ I suppose she’ll find out though eventually. That’s the scary part . I don’t even have to be in Heaven to fall. I could simply wake up one morning and be fallen or I could be going about my business one day and suddenly just lose her love completely. That terrifies me Crowley! I-I refuse to fall I-I’d die first.”

“ Ngk! Hold on!, no one is falling, no one is dying! Angel just take it easy.”

Aziraphale seemed to come to his senses and he sagged.

“Well, you wanted to know.”

“And now I know. You’re staying here tonight.”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Crowley, I have to go. “

“ I-ngk I don’t think you should be alone, Angel.”

“Crowley…I have to go.”

Crowley sighed and grabbed his coat and the keys to the Bentley.  
“I’ll drive you.”

A thin smile from Aziraphale.

“If that doesn’t snap me out of it nothing will.”

Crowley hissed but was secretly glad to hear the Angel joke.

At the door of the book shop Aziraphale stopped just outside the Bentley.

“Forget something Angel?”

“Walk me up?”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

“No..it isn’t like that. I just-I feel unsteady.”

When they reached the door of Aziraphale’s flat they paused. Aziraphale turned his blue orbs on Crowley. For a moment all was still.

“Don’t tell me you lost your key again.”

Aziraphale turned toward the door.

“Oh..no, here we are!” he unlocked the door but he couldn’t seem to leave Crowley’s side. 

“You ok now?”

“I’ll be fine, Crowley. Everything’s going to be just fine.”

Crowley squinted at him then shook his head.

“Get some sleep Angel. See you tomorrow.”

“Goodbye, Crowley…my dear.”

As Crowley turned to go that same feeling that had been plaguing him came over him.  
A frigid breath across his neck. He shuddered.

“Bless it,”. He whispered “Feels like someone just walked over my grave.” 

Crowley was right to fear that feeling. There is a warning ingrained in every creature by the almighty. A sort of sixth sense to let them know when things are not right. Unfortunately she didn’t account for people becoming stupid. Even Crowley with his demon wiles chose to ignore it and simply chalk it up to his habit of not wearing a scarf. 

He hadn’t driven very far when another and more familiar feeling started. A sort of aching pull located just under his heart and this feeling of absolute dread.

Something was wrong with Aziraphale. Very wrong. He proceeded to perform the most elegant and blatant u-turn ever made and sped off heart pounding towards the book shop.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left him alone . I knew it! I knew it!” Crowley chastised himself as he ran up the stairs to Aziraphale’s flat. When he reached the door he knocked a bit too loudly. After a moment the door cracked open and Aziraphale’s curly head popped out.

“Crowley? What are you doing here?”

“You OK Angel?”

“Yes..uh..quite. But I am a bit busy. So if you don’t mind…”

“Busy doing what?”

Aziraphale smiled weakly. “Nothing really, just some old business I’ve been putting off. “

Crowley took off his glasses studying Aziraphale. He seemed strained, nervous and not at all all right.

“Mind if I come in for a bit?”

“As I just said I’m busy…”

Crowley went to push by him and Aziraphale pushed him away with a bit too much force.

“Something’s wrong..”

“Crowley! I can take care of myself thank you very much. I don’t need your help!”

“Aziraphale…”

“Crowley, get OUT! “

Crowley stumbled back a bit. Aziraphale’s eyes were blue fire and his face hard as stone. 

“ All right, Angel…just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help!” Aziraphale spat, “I don’t need your help and I don’t need you! “

Crowley’s eyes grew large, but his voice was calm.

“You’re going to regret that later. Just you wait. So I’m going to just forget you said it. See ya Angel.”

Slam! The door rattled on it’s hinges.

Crowley had no intention of leaving. He would wait a few moments and then do one of the things he was best at . Sneaking.

It was easier then he thought miracling the door to open just enough so he could see what was happening inside. He was lucky and spotted Aziraphale immediately. He was dressed in a strange white robe that flowed to his feet and he was kneeling his mouth moving in what he assumed to be prayer.

Crowley sighed with relief. No cause for alarm. He was about to leave when suddenly Aziraphale rose to his feet and slowly picked up a large glass jar. Inside fire danced wildly. Crowley crinkled his nose as the smell of sulphur wafted to him. He felt his body go cold.

Hell fire.

. What would Aziraphale be doing with hell fire? How had he even gotten it? The possibilities made Crowley nauseous. He continued to watch riveted as Aziraphale unfurled his wings and straightened up to every inch of his tiny height.

Then it happened. The Angel raised the jar of Hell fire over his head and sent it crashing to the floor.

“NO!”

In a moment the hell fire leapt like a living thing setting the Angel ablaze.

T


	2. The eye of the hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath .
> 
> Crowley picks up the pieces. Piecing then together will not be easy.
> 
> “I could though ...I could fall ...she could turn her back on me for this.”

The screams would haunt Crowley for ages to come.  
High animalistic screams of agony that pierced deep into Crowley’s heart like holy spears.

He rushed forward, herding the dancing devouring hell fire into a nearby vase.  
Then he ran over to the still smoldering Angel and smothered the remaining flames with his coat.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit…Aziraphale? Aziraphale!” Crowley knelt beside the Angel searching but failing to find a place to touch him that wasn’t raw and painful. His face and head alone were spared. Crowley brushed smoke stained curls off of Aziraphale’s forehead. 

“Angel?” He whispered, “Angel it’s me..it’s Crowley can you hear me?”

Aziraphale was trembling violently but he managed to speak.

“Cr-crow-..”

Crowley smiled, “Yes, it’s me. Angel I’m here.”

Aziraphale dissolved into a fit of coughing . Crowley despite the burns lifted him carefully propping him up on his arm to ease his breathing.

After a time the coughing subsided and rough wheezing breaths replaced it punctuated with wimpers of pain. 

Crowley ran a hand over Aziraphale’s forehead again and spoke softly.  
“ I know it hurts Angel, I’m sorry but just keep breathing for me. Ok? I’m going to try to take care of these burns.”

Aziraphale blinked his eyes at him in acknowledgement. The wheezing seemed to lower in pitch a bit as Aziraphale focused.

Crowley ran his golden orbs over the angel’s body. He had never seen Hell fire burns this bad in person. 

Nearly all the skin on the angel’s arms had been burnt away leaving behind raw tissue and charred skin. The legs were in similar shape and the material of the robe had melded with the skin on the chest and beneath that Crowley could only imagine what horrors lay.  
It seemed this corporation was being held together by Aziraphale’s will alone.

The average demon might not have blinked an eye over the carnage. But he was not your average demon and this was Aziraphale lying there or what was left of him. The entire situation made Crowley want to flee, but he would never leave Aziraphale.

Crowley forced his twitchy brain to focus and evaluate what he was seeing. The physical damage though horrific could be healed. What Crowley was the most concerned with was the damage hell fire does to angels inside. 

Hell fire burns away at an angels celestial self and slowly kills them from the inside out. If the hell fire wasn’t removed no other healing would matter Aziraphale would be an empty husk within two hours.  
Fortunately, demons ( even uncommon ones) can control hell fire. 

Crowley had healed hell fire burns before. Once or twice even on Aziraphale. But those had been small, miniscule compared to these injuries. But somehow he knew just what to do. 

“Take a deep breath Angel and hold on.” 

Closing his eyes, Crowley gathered his demonic powers. Feeling them build in chest until they rested like a hot poker under his heart.

He placed trembling hands on Aziraphale’s chest and released. 

Suddenly he was floating . Hovering in a soft white light. Before him was a ball of writhing, black, tendrils. Through the gaps Crowley could just make out the dim golden glow that was Aziraphale’s celestial form. It was Aziraphale himself . If that light was extinguished his Angel would be gone . Tossed mindlessly into the void like he had never existed. That glow was the only thing between Crowley and utter misery and it was dimming.

Crowley gathered every ounce of demonic energy he had and formed it into one mighty spear of darkness.. He closed his eyes and pushed the energy at the black mass. Demons control wild fire. It obeys them . The fire slowly unwound it’s self from Aziraphale to be absorbed into the mass of demonic energy it belonged to leaving Aziraphale’s essence shining again.. Crowley released his hold and called back the energy into himself. He let relief wash over him. Then the orb flickered and dimmed.

“Bless it!” Cursed Crowley “Work with me Angel!” 

He returned to his body just in time to see Aziraphale’s eyes flutter closed.

“Oh no you don’t..” 

Crowley placed an arm under Aziraphale’s shoulders and lifted him slightly.

“Hey..Hey Angel..I did it, the fires gone. Wake up…it’s going to be all right.”

Aziraphale took a deep wheezy breath. His eyes fluttered but didn’t open. Crowley shook him gently.

“Come on,Angel…open your eyes. I need you to hold on just a bit longer. Angel? Aziraphale!”

At last the Angel opened his eyes. 

“ Let me sleep Crowley .”

“You can’t yet, Angel ‘m sorry. I need to fix you up first make sure you’re safe.”

Aziraphale nodded. 

“First aid box-bathroom cupboard…bottle of whiskey…pantry.”

“They have chemicals to clean the wounds now, Angel don’t waste good liquor.”

“I’m not…it’s for me. “

Crowley shook his head, he should have thought of that. He might steal some himself.

Cleaning the wounds ( The ones he couldn’t heal completely) proved to be less dramatic then he thought. Aziraphale was either intoxicated enough not to care or too weak to show he did. Crowley hoped for the first one. 

After the burns were cleaned and dressed, Crowley looked over at Aziraphale who was laying with his eyes closed breathing raspily . His chest heaving like a bellows as he inhaled and exhaled. 

Crowley moved to the Angel’s head and raised him up on his arm and the breathing became less labored. 

“Still with me, Angel?”

“ Still here.”

“ You better be. After all my hard work, it wouldn’t be very grateful of you to discorporate on me.”

Aziraphale chuckled painfully, then began to cough. Unfortunately his lungs were something Crowley could not heal. He winced as he watched the angel struggle for air. Finally the spasms ceased and Aziraphale lay back against his arm.

“Ok Angel, let’s get you into bed, I’ll be try to be gentle but it’s going to hurt.”

Aziraphale hung on grimly as Crowley lifted him carefully and brought him to the bedroom where he lay him on the bed. The poor angel was completely naked except for Crowley’s coat ( Which had to be removed as well due to discomfort. Crowley didn’t dare cover him or put clothes on him as many of the burns were still raw and pink. But for modesty’s sake he pulled the sheet up over the angel half way. Aziraphale was shivering badly, Crowley spoke to him gently.

“ I know your cold, but I don’t want to hurt you. Should I try to cover you?”

Aziraphale nodded and Crowley drew the thin blanket up over the angel. Aziraphale sighed greatfully and closed his eyes. Crowley spoke gently.

“ How are you, Angel? Need anything.”

“No Dear, just tired.”

Crowley brushed his hand over Aziraphale’s brow and rose to go.

“You sleep then Angel, I’ll be right..”

Aziraphale was wide awake in a moment. A scorched hand wrapped around Crowley’s wrist .”

“No, wait! Don’t go!”

Crowley turned startled. 

“Ok, Angel. It’s all right I’ll stay.”

Aziraphale slowly released Crowley’s wrist and sank back breathing hard.

“I-I’m sorry, Crowley. I need you here with me, I don’t want to be alone. I can’t bear it!”

Crowley sat down on the side of the bed, carefully taking Aziraphales bandaged hand in his. 

“ S’ok Angel, I’ll be right here, just sleep.”

Aziraphale closed his eyes and all was silent for a moment, then he spoke.

“I’m sorry, Crowley.”

“I’m not angry at you, Angel. We’ll talk later.”

“ Suicide is frowned upon in heaven-“

“Then they should make a better world! Sorry Angel, but that’s bollocks.”

Aziraphale took a breath “ No argument here…my point is…it IS frowned upon.”

Crowley realized suddenly what was going on.

“ Angel, don’t start being stupid again. You are not going to fall…not because you have questions, not because you have doubts and especially not because you were hurting so bad you tried to make it go away the only way you could.”

“I could, though. She could turn her back on me for this.”

Crowley sighed. “ Angel, listen to me. If she turns her back on a hurting angel . Well she isn’t much of a mother.”

“Crowley!”

“What?! I’ve already fallen. What else can she do to me? Send a rude letter?”  
Aziraphale was silent after a moment he spoke.

“ I love her, Crowley. In spite of all the things I’ve seen I love her. She’s part of me and if I lost her love.” Aziraphale drew in a shaky breath

“Then you’ll still have me. We have each other Aziraphale. Always.”

Aziraphale turned to him his eyes misty.

“ Don’t leave.”

“ ‘m right here Angel. “

Aziraphale closed his eyes and soon he was asleep.

Crowley very carefully, so as not to wake him lay down beside him.  
One dark wing appeared and covered the sleeping Angel.

“ You up there?” He muttered turning his eyes upward, “I know you don’t care about me but Aziraphale Is a good Angel. So …just ..” Crowley took a deep breath, “Don’t let him end up like me.”

A silence followed. Nothing more.

“Of course not.” Said Crowley 

He bowed his head and tried to ignore the tears .


	3. A voice in the silence.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell finds Aziraphale. 
> 
> Crowley puts a desperate plea to the all mighty.
> 
> For the first time she answers

In the wee hours, just as the sky began to pale Crowley was standing by the window watching the sun rise.

“You can create something as beautiful as this. You can’t be all that bad. So, can’t you forgive him?”

He sat watching the dawn in silence. He did not expect an answer. He never did. It still irked him.

Suddenly, a noise came from the bed. A muffled scream of sorts. Crowley looked over Aziraphale was thrashing in his sleep as though fighting an unseen enemy. Little muffled cries left his lips as he flailed.

Crowley rushed to his side. 

“Aziraphale? Hey! Angel, wake up your dreaming.” He gave Aziraphale a little shake and suddenly Aziraphale sat bolt upright. When he saw Crowley he threw his arms around him weeping. Crowley could feel him shaking with fear.

“Angel…”

“Crowley! Crowley please help me! Hold onto me..please-don’t let me go! Don’t let me fall!”

The Angel was trembling, his blue eyes wide with terror . He clung to Crowley like a drowning man. Fingernails digging furrows in Crowley’s flesh.

“It’s all right Angel…it’s all right…It was just a dream. We’re at the flat you can’t fall. Besides I’ll catch you if you do..”

Aziraphale’s tone was desperate. “No, No, you don’t understand!” he wailed “I’m Falling! Please make it stop! Crowley please hold on to me!”

It all made sense then, he’d been thinking of the wrong sort of fall. Idiot.

He grabbed Aziraphale close, so close he could feel their hearts beating together.

“Angel, listen to me…sssh easy, easy, I understand now..I do. Just calm down. It was a dream Angel. I have them too.”

Aziraphale shook his head

.” I-I can feel it..I..”

“Look at me Angel.”

Aziraphale pulled back enough to meet Crowley’s yellow orbs. His eyes were their usual shade of sky blue. 

“You’re not falling, Angel. I’ve seen the eyes of the fallen and yours would be changing already if you were falling. You’re ok…I promise.”

Aziraphale’s eyes relaxed some what .

“Crowley..a-are you sure?”

“I’m absolutely sure.”

“Oh, thank goodness! “ Aziraphale sunk into a limp heap in Crowley’s arms. “It was so real. Oh Crowley thank goodness you were here!”! It-I – Argh!”

Being free of the fear that had kept his adrenaline going he now felt the pain of his burns again.  
Crowley helped him lay back and pulled the covers back over the shivering Angel. 

“You ok now Angel?”

Aziraphale nodded between shivers. He closed his eyes and opened them again his eyes never leaving Crowley.

“Get some sleep, Angel. I’m right here. I’m not leaving.”

Aziraphale nodded his eyes closing almost against his will and then just as quickly they were open again. Big blue orbs fixed on Crowley.

“Close your eyes, Angel. Go on..it’s all right.”

“I..I can’t. I don’t want to. “

“Aziraphale…”  
“ I know you’ll protect me Crowley. But there’s one thing you can’t protect me from. Myself.  
I close my eyes and I see things, terrible things and I can’t control it.

Crowley found himself at a loss for words . He wanted to comfort his Angel but he could find no reassurance. 

He’d been in that state too. When he’d first fallen. The physical pain was torture enough , but the betrayal of his own mind was worse.

But the worst thing was he’d been completely alone in it, with no one to help him through.

He’d be damned (again) if he’d let Aziraphale suffer the same fate.

“Talk to me Angel..”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Well that is a change. Look either you talk or you sleep, your choice.”

Aziraphale sighed.

“What do you want me to say?”

Crowley thought for a moment.

“How do your burns feel?”

“How in anyone’s name do you think they feel? God awful.”

“I can try to fix that..”

“No, leave it. I’m fine.”

Crowley gave a sideways smile.

“You’re crabby when you need a nap.”

“If you ask me about the weather I will discorporate you. Get on with it just ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes wearily.

“Why I did it.”

Crowley had not been prepared for the Angel to talk about that so soon and so openly. He was caught of guard and so promptly said the wrong thing.

“Well I figured you were pretty upset-oh fuck! I’m sorry!”

But to his surprise Aziraphale was laughing . A breathy pained laugh but definitely a laugh.

“Just a bit put out..yes. Oh ow! Crowley stop making me laugh!”  
Crowley smiled a bit.

“But Seriously, Angel, Why ?”

Aziraphale turned his eyes to the window eyeing the colors of the sun rise.

“I suppose I just couldn’t bear it any more. The constant doubt the questions. The thought I might lose her love or worse still figure out she’d never loved me to begin with”

Aziraphale paused rubbing his eyes with a bandaged hand.

“I figured I’d rather disappear then..well..fall.”

Crowley felt a flash of anger like a flaming sword across his chest.

“So you thought it was OK to just go up in flames and leave me here on my own to deal with the pieces? “

“Crowley..”

“No. Angel, I don’t think you fully understand what that would have done to me.  
You weren’t there when I ran into your burning book store and thought I’d lost you.  
Angel, if you hadn’t shown up again I swear..I.,I would have -I would have drunk that damn holy water.”

“CROWLEY!”

Aziraphale sat bolt upright his eyes wide.

“Don’t you ever say…!”

“ Well it’s true! When I met you on that wall you were the first company I’d had since my Fall. I expected you to snub me. But you actually TALKED to me. Even knowing what I was. You’ve been my world ever since. Literally. Without you I have no one and nothing. But you didn’t think about that did you?”

Aziraphale’s eyes glazed with tears .

“I didn’t see another way out. I was a coward I suppose. But at that moment I thought both you and the world would both be better without me.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make!”

“It’s my life!”

“You’re life isn’t your fucking own, Angel! What happens to you effects everyone else ….especially it effects ME!”

Aziraphale paused. His face hard with emotion. Then tears spilled down his face.

“I know. I’m sorry…so sorry!”

Aziraphale began sobbing then. Followed by choking his entire body convulsing with sobs and coughing.

Crowley hurried over raising the choking Angel up onto the pillows. Where he slowly regained his breath. Crowley knelt beside him and tried to calm him as best he could. He rubbed his hand on Aziraphale’s forehead and stroked his hair whispering words of forgiveness and comfort, until eventually the Angel calmed down and his breathing returned to normal. 

“OK, OK, that’s enough talking for this morning. Angel, I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you really. I understand. I’ve been there. I know how the pain can mess with your mind. I just-You scared me that’s all. Are you ok, now?”

Aziraphale nodded his eyes cast down. Crowley gently turned him to look at him.

“We’re OK, Angel. Yeah?”

“Yes. I’m so tired Crowley.”

“Then sleep. I’m right here. I’ll wake you if you have dreams.”

Aziraphale sighed. “I may have no choice at this point. My corporation is spent. “

The Angel yawned and looked to Crowley.

“If they were here could you sense them?”

Crowley looked puzzled.

“Who?” Then he realized, “Oh THEM the old co workers. Yeah, I can sense them and smell them. Especially Hastur. Don’t worry Angel no one’s going to get by me.”

“Thank you Crowley. I know I must sound like a cherub but my celestial form is still healing. I’m at my most vulnerable. I can’t afford-“

“Do you trust me?”

“With my life, you know that.”

“Then sleep. I’ve got you.”

Aziraphale nodded wearily and closed his eyes. In moments the wheezy breaths had become regular and Even . Finally the Angel had fallen asleep.

Crowley rose and sat in a chair. Next to the bed. He had warded the room but there was no guarantee they’d hold. He’d have to be on alert. Demons could smell a tortured soul or a hurt Angel like a shark smells blood in the water. It was only a matter of time . He had to be prepared. Until Aziraphale was well enough to defend himself Crowley would be his one line of defense.

But there were no signs. No changes in air quality, no foul sulphuric smells or shadowy wraiths met his view. It was just him, the ticking clock on the mantel and one sleeping Angel. He ran a hand over his face. 

“Now what?” he asked the air, the clock, himself. “We can’t just stay here and wait for “Now what?” he asked the air, the clock, himself. “We can’t just stay here and wait for Hell or whoever to come to us. We can’t hide either though, not as long as Aziraphale is hurt. It would be like trying to hide with a tracking beacon on your arm. So what? Think Crowley,think!”

A moment or two passed, the clock ticked six times . Aziraphale had begun to snore. 

He sat pondering his senses alert for any hint of evil. But Crowley had forgotten an important detail about his fellow demons.

They didn’t need to be close to do Their work. Some of the older ones didn’t even need to be top side.

Crowley was up pacing the room when he felt it. It went by so fast he hardly registered it. Like the heat from a flaring flame across his back then gone. 

Then the screaming started. 

Not normal nightmare screams. Screams of absolute terror and agony.

Crowley’s eyes flew to the bed and his blood seemed to stop in his veins.

Aziraphale lay writhing on the bed his blue eyes wide with fear as he screamed in agony.  
As Crowley ran to him he saw every burn on the Angel was smoldering as though they had just been extinguished.

Aziraphale tore at the covers exposing his scorched chest . His eyes turned to Crowley pleadingly .

“Aziraphale!” Crowley looked helplessly at the writhing smoldering Angel. He reached out and cupped his hands around Aziraphale’s face trying to calm him even just a little.

“Angel? Look at me, Angel. I’ve got you. It’s going to be all right just ..just hold on.”

He reached out to Aziraphale’s celestial form. It was fluttering but still bright. The hell fire hadn’t taken hold yet, if that was even what this was.

“I don’t understand..” he muttered to himself, “I got rid of it all! I checked. I was careful.”

Crowley placed a hand over Aziraphale’s smoldering chest and concentrated but nothing happened. He tried again and again to no avail. This wasn’t hell fire.

“What is going on?! “. He hissed to himself, Aziraphale had exhausted himself and was only whimpering and moaning now, “Crowley could sense his celestial self getting dangerously fatigued.

“Hold on, Angel. “ he said “I’ll fix this I promise.”

When Aziraphale went unconscious he was in a total panic.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Help me! “  
He called out to the heavens for the first time since his fall.

“No..don’t help me, help him! He’s never been anything but faithful and loving to you! Now he needs help ..save him! Not for me for him!”

“RAPHAEL?”

Crowley cringed at his old name his heart pounding at being answered.

“M-Mother? “ Crowley stammered using the only respectful title he could find.

“I AM HERE. “


	4. Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has a talk with The All Mighty.

After hearing the voice of The All Mighty Crowley understood why Prophets often spoke in tongues. He literally forgot all forms of communication in an instant. Unless the small rodent like noises could count as communication though it was doubtful. Finally he managed to regain his senses and his words left him in a shout. 

“HELP HIM! PLEASE!”

“AZIRAPHALE IS BEING HELPED AS WE SPEAK. THE DANGER IS PASSED.”

Crowley looked over just in time to see the last of the wounds stop smoldering and Aziraphale fall into a relieved sleep.

“Thank You.” Crowley breathed, “I know you did it for him but still. Thank you.”

“PERHAPS I DID IT FOR BOTH OF YOU.”

Crowley laughed bitterly, “That’s a good one.”

The voice was silent then and Crowley for reasons unknown to himself felt strangely sad.

“You still there?”

“ALWAYS .”

“ Did you? Did you do it for both of us?”

“WHY DOES IT MATTER?”

Crowley scowled. 

“It doesn’t.”

“I KNOW YOU HATE ME RAPHAEL…”

Crowley growled,

“It’s Crowley now and you know it.”

“YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RAPHAEL TO ME.”

“Suit yourself.” said Crowley “I don’t want to talk about all that rubbish again.  
Thank you again for helping us. That will be all.”

“ YOU REALIZE I KNOW YOU LOVE AZIRAPHALE DO YOU NOT?”

Fuck. Crowley cringed of course she would have. She knew everything.

“Yeah- I-I figured. It’s not his fault though! He doesn’t even know!”

“ I AM NOT HERE TO JUDGE, I AM HERE TO HELP. I MERELY MENTIONED IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MEANS YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT HIM.”

“ Anything! Just tell me what to do to keep him safe. I’ll do it.”

There was a silence for a moment. Crowley began to feel he’d been abandoned again.

“ Hello?!”

He asked desperately.

“I’M HERE.”

Crowley felt relief wash over him. He also noticed that a silvery light, frail as a spider web had begun to slowly cover the walls of the room . It looked and felt very familiar.

“What are you doing? “ he asked in alarm, “Is that..Grace?! It will destroy me!”

The voice was reassuring. Even perhaps a little amused.

“This amount of Grace won’t harm you, Crowley. You’ve spent enough time with Aziraphale to be immune to small amounts . The others however…will not be so fortunate. This room is now protected by my Grace. No evil thing can enter as long as the Seal is unbroken.”

“Seal?” Crowley inquired tilting his head slowly.

“The door to this room is the seal. You must never open it. Not for any reason. For once you do, the protection is lost and evil can once again enter. Do you understand, Crowley?”

Crowley’s yellow eyes followed the last of the silvery strands as they covered the last of the room.

“ I-I understand.” 

“Good. Please know, in spite of our…history. I am still on your side. Both of yours. I love you both.”

Crowley gave a derisive hiss. 

“ I hope you’re not expecting me to say it back. But Aziraphale loves you that should make you happy.”

“ It’s a start.”

Crowley scowled. His tone was respectful when he spoke again. “ I’m grateful for your help, I truly am. So we’re safe here?”

“As long as you do not open the door, you need not fear. But you know firsthand how clever evil is Crowley. You must be on your guard, always. If you let it down, for even a moment it could spell disaster.”

Crowley nodded. “ I understand.” Then suddenly he spoke again, “ Wait! You know how much he fears losing your love don’t you? You know how much he doesn’t want to Fall? He’s terrified.”

“ He knows I have no intention of turning my back on him. See how peaceful he looks? As to falling..what I did not tell him is that hasn’t been in my control since the great fall. You’ve been top side so long you’re a bit behind the times.”

Crowley’s eyes went wide.

“You mean you’ve left it up to THEM?!”

“Of course not! I’ve left it up to the individual. Silence, Crowley..I know how insane it sounds but it’s been that way for some time. Each human has always had a Celestial guide , a “Gaurdian Angel” as they call it. But mostly they’ve had free will to follow their own path. Why shouldn’t their final judgement be their decision as well?” It’s a much easier process only two choices: fight for the light or give in to the darkness.”

“You mean They go to Purgatory?” 

“For My Sake Crowley! You’re not a fool. You know there isn’t a purgatory! Do you have any idea the tight bunch of profanity that would make? “

“I think the word you’re looking for is “Cluster Fuck”, Mother”

“ I know the word, Crowley, Thank you very much! I prefer to keep my language pure. But really! Can you imagine the paper work! No. The final verdict has been decided long before death cuts your soul loose. The question is: Do you stay where you are placed or do you fight to change.”

“So…you choose to fall or to rise? You’re given a fair fight?”

“More or less. But it’s not so easy as it sounds. Changing your fate. “

Crowley slowly began to realize two very alarming things :

One, he was talking to The Almighty.

Two, he was agreeing with her.

Oh…shit.

“Hmph-“ Crowley crossed his arms. “Seems fair enough. But-“

His eyes went to Aziraphale’s sleeping face.

“What about us? Celestials? What happens if we end up being where we aren’t meant to be.”

Silence.

“OK, that doesn’t make sense. Look all I want to know is..what happens if they get to Aziraphale? If they take him? What happens to an Angel in hell?”

“You know that answer. “

Crowley shivered.

“ He’d fight.”

“You also fought, Crowley. How far did it get you? “

“Hisssss!”

The voice had a tinge of sadness when it spoke next.

“ I am sorry. That was cruel of me. But it is the truth. An Angel has no chance in Hell. That is why you must protect him. Aziraphale is stronger then he seems but his weakness is his heart. He is a creature of love that makes him vulnerable. That’s why I had you two meet.”

“Because I have no heart?”

“No. Because you have such a strong heart. You love fiercely and with your all which is exactly what Aziraphale needs . His heart is strong and pure but it is bruised easily. He defends others but is also in need of being defended. Who better to defend an Angel …”

“Then a demon?” Crowley scoffed

“No. Then you Crowley. The only demon in existence whose spirit was too strong to be broken by the fall and whose heart with stood hell fire.”

Crowley fell silent for a time struggling with emotions he had no name for, finally he spoke.

“ What-“ Crowley swallowed, his voice was hoarse. “What do I need to do?”

“To keep Aziraphale safe you must do what you have always done. Remain by his side.”

Crowley looked to Aziraphale the only being that had ever had the courage to love him.

“Always.” He said


	5. Key holes and Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some REAL action.

When the presence of the All Mighty left the room Crowley felt strangely empty. Cold. Alone. A miniature fall perhaps. But then he felt the warmth and love radiating from the bed where Aziraphale lay and he was comforted. He sat down beside the bed and took Aziraphale’s hand. He brushed an errant curl off the angel’s pale forehead. 

He had tried to tell himself the reason he never let his feelings be known to Aziraphel was to protect him from what might happen if anyone on either of their sides knew how it was between them. Friendship alone is hard to hide, little own love. He told himself he was being selfless and keeping the Angel pure or some such shit that sounded pretty and was ridiculous.

However, the truth is the real reason wasn’t any of those. The real reason was he was afraid . Not of the wrath of heaven or hell. Not of tainting Aziraphale.

But of admitting he loved someone more then his own existence. Telling someone they mattered the most to him of anything in his universe including himself. It was dangerous to love someone that much, dangerous to both yourself and to them. 

Also there was no Guarantee his feelings would be returned. What if his profession of love only succeeded in frightening his Angel away? Then he’d lose the one being in the universe that was able to love him and he couldn’t bear that.

He’d nearly lost him today. Suddenly he realized a terrifying truth. He had to tell him. He wanted to tell him before but now he had to he wouldn’t risk him never knowing. He nearly reached out and shook the Angel awake but he stopped himself. Aziraphale needed to rest. To heal. He could wait a few more hours.

It was in fact less then thirty minutes when a giant crash and the sound of glass shattering came from down stairs.

Crowley leapt up instinctively standing in front of the bed facing the door. A low threatening hiss came from his lips as scales flashed across his skin.

“Crowley?”

“Sssh!” Hissed Crowley “Don’t make a ssssound…their here.”

He could hear Aziraphale’s frightened breathing behind him. 

“It’s all right Angel, you’re safe. They can’t get in not unless we open the door. “

A curse was heard from Downstairs and the hoarse croaking voice of Hastur drifted up like the smell of rotting flesh.

“It’s not in here. “

“Well I doubt it juzzzzt flew away! “ Beezlebub’s buzzy voice came next Crowley felt his stomach clench. Everyone was there. What an honor.

Hastur spoke then again.”Well it may have done. It is an Angel.”

“Have you zzzeen Azzzirifell lately? He couldn’t even fly to the fridge! Besides I can feel his pain. He’zz not going any where.”

The sound of muttering continued followed by the sound of general destruction. He heard Aziraphale wimper softly. Probably thinking about his beloved books.

“Hazzztur you fucking imbezzzile! Didn’t you zzzee the stairzzzz?! Upztairzz ! Now!”

Crowley tensed. Behind him Aziraphale was muttering to himself desperately.

“Are you praying?!”

“Yes.”

“Good. Keep going, Angel.”

The percussion of air and the cloying smell of sulphur that accompanied a demonic apparition wafted to Crowley’s nose. Voices came from right outside the door now, Crowley felt his nails turning to claws, his fangs growing. Scales rippled over his body.

“Crawwwly!” Hastur’s voice had a taunting note to it, “Let us in Crawley! All we want is the angel. Just give him to us and we’ll go on our way.”

“Fuck you!”

“Well…figured I’d ask nicely first. “ there was the sound of roaring flame an electric zap and a cry of pain from Hastur.

“They’ve warded the fucking door!” Said Hastur.

“Well? Remove the ward! Oh for fuckzzz zzzake!” Beazlebub huffed, “I’ll do it myzzzelf!”

Crowley was grinning now.

Wait for it….

ZOT!

Crowley chuckled at beazlebubs shriek of fear, pain and anger.

“Hey, Beez!” Crowley called, “There’s a big pile if trash in here why don’t you try again?”

“The only trash in there Izzzz you! Where the fuck did you get Grace from any way?”

“I have my sources!”

“We won’t give up that eazzzily!”

There was a sound of cursing and another flash of sound then silence.

Crowley remained tense and silent staring at the door. Then he walked to Aziraphale’s side.

“How are you holding up,Angel?”

Aziraphale was leaning back against the pillows his eyes closed as he recovered from the shock.

“As good as can be expected.”

“Did you hear Beez hit the Grace? It sounded like the world’s biggest bug zapper! Better luck next time, they got away”

Aziraphale’s laugh was wheezy. Finally he caught his breath and sat up.

“What do you suppose they are plotting now?”

Asked Aziraphale his blue eyes wide as he lay against the pillows.

“We’ll find out soon enough.” Said Crowley.

Just as soon as the words left Crowley’s mouth a thump hit the bedroom window and a muffled curse.

“Really, Hastur? The window?”

“You got a better idea?!”

Aziraphale suddenly grinned.

“Crowley?”

“Yes, Angel?”

“Are they under the window?”

Crowley looked out the window.

“Yup like ants on sugar cube. What’s so funny?”

Aziraphale looked like he was in on some massive joke Crowley couldn’t understand.

“Crowley….guess what I’ve got.”

“What?”

“Holy Water!”

Crowley felt his eyes go wide .

“When the hell were you going to tell me?!”

Aziraphale was chuckling. “There isn’t that much I was afraid you’d try to handle it.”

“What in somebody’s name are you laughing at Angel?!”

Aziraphale actually cackled.

“Because in that dresser over there I have water balloons!”

Crowley looked at him for a moment. Gears turning slowly in his mind then it clicked.

“Oh…Oh Angel ! You are brilliant! You better do the filling though. I’ll miracle up a funnel.”

In the end there was only enough Holy Water to fill two balloons. But it was more then sufficient.

So protected by oven mitts and an apron Crowley stood by the window cracked just enough to let a balloon go through. He had a water balloon poised and was eyeing the scene below.

“DON’T kill them Crowley! I don’t care how evil they are no one deserves to die like that.”

“Of course I’m not going to kill them! Just scare them . Oh look! It’s Hastur!” Crowley waved, “Hey! Hastur! “. Crowley dropped the balloon just close enough to let the water splatter the demons ankles. Hastur’s alarm was contagious. It only took one more strategic drop before the demons scattered. 

Crowley and Aziraphale broke into hysterical laughter . When it finally subsided they looked at each other.

“Do you suppose they’ve given up?”  
Asked Aziraphale hopefully

Crowley frowned. 

“ Not a chance.”

“We can’t do this forever, Crowley..we need a plan.”

“The Almighty said to stay in the room. That’s the plan.”

Aziraphale lay back on the pillows closing his eyes. Crowley looked at him.

“You doing all right. Angel.”

“Relatively. I’m exhausted, my angelic core is still weak, I feel as though I’ve been the main course at a barbecue. But I haven’t fallen or been dragged to hell so, that’s a good thing.”

Crowley gave a short laugh. “You’re doing better then me.”

Aziraphale smiled. 

Suddenly he turned his wide blue eyes to Crowley.

“ She did remember to grace the key hole, didn’t she?”

Crowley raised an eyebrow.

“The key hole? I doubt any of them have a key Angel. No worries.”

Aziraphale sighed . 

“Why are you so concerned about key holes all of a sudden, Angel?”

Aziraphale adjusted himself on the pillows just a bit. 

“Oh it’s just an old story I heard…”

Crowley rolled his eyes.

“Stories to be Discorporated too.” By A.Z. Fell.”

Aziraphale looked offended.

“Well if you don’t want to hear it then I shan’t tell it!”

“Yes you will. You won’t be able to stop yourself. Go on Angel, you have me curious tell me a story…please?”

“Well since you asked so nicely. “ Aziraphale cleared his throat deeply, his voice still hoarse from fire and smoke.

“Well, apparently there was this old wizard and he got wind that Death was coming for him. Naturally he was terrified and ran back to his house. He turned every light in the house off hoping Death would think he wasn’t in. Then shut himself in a room and placed a spell over it so Death could not enter. Then he settled down in the dark to wait. Only a few minutes had passed when he heard a deep voice say from behind him: “SURE IS DARK IN HERE.”

Crowley tried to laugh but he shivered instead.

“He’d forgotten to enchant the key hole you see. So Death was able to get in that way. THAT Crowley is why I’m on about key holes.”

Crowley stared at him for a while. For a moment an uneasiness filled him. Then he laughed.

“Well he didn’t have the All Mighty herself helping him, now did he? If he did the story might have ended better.”

There was a silence then. Crowley arose and began pacing.

“Oh Crowley, Did I frighten you? Don’t worry Dear Boy it’s only a story.”

“You didn’t frighten me. I know we’re perfectly safe here.”

Aziraphale smiled “Of course.”

Aziraphale layed back against the pillows and soon he had drifted off to sleep again.

Time moved on. The evening turned to night and still nothing.

Crowley had just settled into a chair and had begun to doze himself. 

Suddenly he snapped awake. Something had changed in the air. Just the slightest shift. Something was wrong.

His eyes went to Aziraphale instinctively just as the Angel startled awake.

“Crowley..”

Aziraphale met eyes with him for a moment.

Then the power went out.

In the pitch blackness Crowley heard laughter. Voices seemed to bloom from the darkness in every direction mocking him and jeering.

He tried to reach Aziraphale but the voices had disoriented him.

Aziraphale spoke his name once more his voice cut short and Crowley heard him scream. It was if possible a worse sound then the shrieks Caused by the hell fire.

Pure unadulterated terror.

“NO! NO! Crowley! CROWLEY!”

He tried to run towards the screams but hands kept spinning him, fingers pinching and grabbing in the darkness

“Aziraphale! I’m here! Fight,Angel ! Fight! I’m coming!”

The screams continued hoarse and painful Aziraphale’s voice driving Red hot daggers into his chest.

“ Help me!.. PLEASE! No no no, please no! CROWLEY!

“Let him go!” Crowley screamed trying to walk towards Aziraphale’s voice but it seemed to come from everywhere at once. 

“Aziraphale ! Aziraphale! Where are you?”

Then one final shriek from his Angel.

“CROWLEY !”

Then the screaming stopped.

Hastur’s voice came from behind him. Mocking, gloating.

“SURE IS DARK IN HERE.”


	6. Whispers in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale wakes up in hell.

It's a strange kind of beauty,  
It's cold and austere,  
And whatever it was that you’ve done to be here,  
It's the sum of your hopes your despairs and your fears.”

-“The Last Ship” by Sting  
“

Aziraphale wasn’t sure at what point he’d lost consciousness. (Somewhere between the branding and the wing clipping perhaps?) But the next he knew he awoke in a dark cell. Dirty straw lined the floor and up against a wall lay what one would guess was once a matress. Tattered and filthy it lay looking forlorn and forgotten.

It was cold. So cold and dark only the light from a few sickly yellow torches lit the cells  
Pain.   
Great waves of it rolled over him like  
a flood of sorrows. Mental and physical pain filled him and it was not all his own. He struggled to put up wards and finally managed to block out all but ripples of pain other then his own.

“Nice place, Eh?”

Aziraphale jumped as a voice came from beyond the wall beside him. 

“I-I beg your pardon?” he said instinctively looking up.

“I was just making small talk. Might as well be friendly seeing as were neighbors.”

Aziraphale turned his face to the wall but there was only a very small square of bars no bigger then a letter box midway up the wall. So he could not see the voices owner.

“Oh…I see..erm..well. I..”

The voice went on. “You’re scared shitless aren’t you? I know I was. Ain’t no shame in it. I wish I could say you’ll be fine…but it’s only going to get worse I’m sorry to say. But I can say you’ll get used to it.”

Aziraphale stood moving closer to the bars.

“Is this..” Aziraphale swallowed, “ Is this Hell?..have I Fallen?”

The voice sounded disinterested as though the man (for it was a man. An American man at that.) had given this talk many times before.

“ No, this ain’t hell. It ain’t heaven either obviously. It’s somewhere in between. I think they’re sorting us. Seeing which place we belong. They sure are taking there time in my case. Then again, I’m a trouble maker.”

“How long have you been here?”

There was a deep sigh beyond the grate.

“Oh I dunno. Days? Weeks? Months? Years? It’s all the same down here. A long time though.”

Aziraphale felt a panic fill his chest. Could he last that long? 

“You must be very strong to have lasted so long here.”

“Stubborn is more like it. If they want my soul they can work for it.”

Aziraphale smiled, “I like the way you think my friend.”

“You talk funny.” Stated the voice “You one of them foreign folks.”

“Something like that,yes.”

There was a chuckle, “I guess we’re all foreign here. So, what are you in for?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“ Why are you here, Fancy Pants..what did you do?”

Aziraphale felt his heart drop. 

“I-I made a mistake…I suppose I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Me too, Brother. Me too. Thought I payed my dues though. Guess I was wrong.”

Aziraphale felt the emotion rolling off his neighbor. Grief, regret and a hot flicker of rage

“And what are YOU in for?” Asked Aziraphale as casually as he could.”

“Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong decision same as you-but I’m guessing you didn’t kill anyone.”

“No. But you have?”

“Yes. If you show me yours I’ll show you mine.”

Aziraphale’s eyes grew large.

“I-I beg your pardon? Show you-what?”

A deep sigh came from beyond the wall.

“Your brand, Fancy, your brand.”

Aziraphale felt relief wash over him.

“Oh…yes of course.”

“I’ll even go first.”

A flat, rough palmed hand pressed against the bars the flesh of the palm bore two letters scarred into the flesh.

T M

“That’s thief and murderer if you were wondering. Your turn Fancy.”

Aziraphale lowered the shoulder of the tattered shirt he wore and pressed his newly branded shoulder against the grate showing not only the large symbol on his shoulder blade,but also his burn scars.

“ I’ve never seen a brand like that before. What does it mean.”

“It means…Fallen.”

“But you’re not .”

“No. But it’s my second greatest fear. I think they are mocking me.”

There was a silence for a moment. Then the voice spoke again .

“You sure do talk funny, Fancy. I’ve never heard anyone use that word except Them.”

Aziraphale sighed a world weary sigh.

“I assure you, I am not one of them.”

“Who are you then? Or who were you before this?”

Aziraphale felt a lump rise in his throat.

“My name is Aziraphale.”

“Aziraphale..what kind of a name is that? “

Aziraphale normally loved talking about his name. But all the joy seemed to have gone out of it for him.

“Hebrew, I believe. It means “God’s love.”

There was a very pregnant pause, followed by a somewhat bitter laugh.

“Great! Now God has a sense of humor!”

“I beg your Pardon? “

“Nothing..just forget it. Come closer. I want to see your eyes. You can tell a lot about a person from Their eyes.”

Aziraphale peered through the grate. He found himself staring into a pair of light brown orbs streaked with an inky black.

“Hello.” He said.

There was no reply . The orbs stared on as though in awe. Finally they blinked.

“Your eyes..” he said, “I-they’re so different.”

“Are they?”

Aziraphale tried to keep his voice neutral. 

“Yeah their so …so pure. I can’t think of a better word. Like a babies.”

Aziraphale chuckled.

“I assure you,Sir. I am not pure. Naïve maybe, good well you be the judge of that. But not pure…pure is far too boring.”

“There’s something different about you..what are you?”

Oh just lovely. Now was not the time or place for revelations. Aziraphale thought quickly.

“I’m a messenger.”

“A messenger? What kind of a messenger.”

“Just a messenger.”

The voice was silent for a moment. Aziraphale took advantage of this moment to change the focus of the conversation.

“Your eyes are quite unique as well. Those black stripes are very striking.”

“You’ll have your own soon enough. It’s part of the process.They turn completely black once you’ve..well...turned.”

Aziraphale repressed a shudder.

“How awful! But you seem to be putting up a good fight . What’s your name?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Pardon me?”

“You heard me. “

“You don’t remember your name?”

The eyes disappeared and a deep sigh was heard.

“ That’s how it works down here. First they make you forget your name, then they make you forget your life, then they make you forget who you are and then it’s to late. There’s no coming back from there.”

Aziraphale was silent for a time. A very deep sadness had come over him, but something else too.He held out his hand.

“It’s very nice to meet you.”

“You want to shake hands?”

“It’s a customary greeting Isn’t it?”

There was a sigh and a big rough hand took hold of the Angel’s. 

“There..satisfied? Nice to meet..oh!”

There was a sharp intake of breath and the hand tightened around his own. The mottled orbs had grown wide and a haze of tears frosted them. Aziraphale could hear labored breathing behind them.

Alarmed he tried to release his hand but the hand clung to him for Dear life.

“Are-Are you all right?” Aziraphale asked,

“Isaac..” the voice responded tears falling freely now. “ My name is Isaac. I remember! What did you do to me?!”

Aziraphale kept his tone as neutral as he could.

“I haven’t done anything.”

“Don’t start..I remembered the minute I touched your hand. It was you, you did it!”

Aziraphale smiled but said nothing.

“What are you?”

Aziraphale sighed letting his angelic glow show through and slowly somewhat painfully he unfurled his wings behind him.

“ As I said, I’m a messenger. A messenger of God technically but that always leads to so many awkward questions.”

There was a sound like a whining dog followed by gasping breaths.

“You..You’re a..Jesus Christ!”

“No, just an Angel . It is so very nice to meet you Isaac…Isaac? Are you all right? Oh Dear!”

The eyes behind the grate rolled up and then disappeared completely. There was a sound of something heavy hitting the ground . Aziraphale struggled to see through the grate.

“Isaac? Isaac?!”

“Hey..yeah I’m OK. Just give me a minute.”

Aziraphale furrowed his brow.

“I’m so sorry, I should have warned you.”

After a moment the eyes returned to the grate. He stared in awe at the Angel for a few more moments before speaking.

“I-I really don’t know -I guess I never really believed in all this stuff until..well”

“Rather Nasty surprise wasn’t it? I hope this one was a bit less traumatic.”

Isaac laughed 

“Yeah…I think it is. But what are you doing here? Suddenly Isaac’s eyes grew saucer wide. His voice was elated.

“Oh my God…are you here for me? Did He finally decide? Am I forgiven?!”

Aziraphale shifted uneasily, his blue pools of pity.

“Oh Isaac..I wish I could tell you yes. But no She didn’t send me. I’m sorry, I am so very sorry.”

“But why else would you be here?”

Aziraphale felt his eyes fill with tears in spite of himself.

“I told you.”

“But..Angels don’t make mistakes. Can you..can you even do the wrong thing?”

Aziraphale sighed.

“A very old, very good friend once asked me that. I couldn’t answer him then. But today I will say we most definitely can. At least this Angel can.”

“Did He send you here?”

“No if this was her decision my eyes would be as black as yours right now. No it wasn’t her..it had nothing to do with Heaven,”

“Then how..”

Aziraphale had no desire to relive the trauma that led him to his current predicament so he moved away from the grate and sat down in the filthy hay and pulled his wings around him.

“I’m very tired Isaac, please no more questions.”

Isaac’s voice was gentle.

“All right..I’m sorry..It’s just. You don’t belong here.”

“Neither do you, my friend.”

“Yes I do..but not you. It’s not right.”

“Isaac, please..”

“All right. I’m sorry I’ll leave you be. Just-I’m here for you.”

“And I for you.”

A moment passed then Isaac spoke again.

“You can’t give in.,Do you hear me? You can’t let them win. You can’t fall!”

Aziraphale smiled sadly.

“Perhaps we can help each other then?”

Isaac spoke softly, “I’ll fight if you fight.”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

“Fuck ‘em all.” 

Declared Isaac

“Indeed,” chuckled Aziraphale, “Fuck Them all.”


	8. Welcome to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale is tortured his new friend comforts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of torture and pain.
> 
> Mild but vivid
> 
> Triggers:
> 
> Violence
> 
> Torture
> 
> Character suffering
> 
> I think I got it all.

Aziraphale was half asleep when he heard the cell door clang open. 

“On your feet white wings!”

Aziraphale folded his wings rising to meet the female demons maroon colored eyes his gaze was hard unwavering.

“Don’t you fucking look at me!”  
The female demon spat. 

She might have been beautiful with her blond hair and lithe body her face and Limbs were a mass of twisted scars and lesions. Aziraphale in his fascination forgot to look down.

“You lose your hearing when they dragged you down here? I told you not to look at me!”

A glowing strand came out of no where singing a streak across Aziraphale’s cheek.

He bowed his head but spoke.

“Why did you bring me here? What have I done?”

“I ask the questions here. Demon lover.”

Aziraphale cringed 

“Ah yes, that. Guilty as charged I’m afraid. Though lover might not be exactly right-“

The whip licked out again this time only snapping threateningly at his feet.

“You talk too much. I told them we should have cut your tongue out. Get on your knees, traitor!”

Aziraphale raised his head.

“No.”

The kick was so swift Aziraphale was doubled over trying not to vomit before he even saw it coming.

“That’s better. Stay there. Who are you? Who do you think you are consorting with one of us? Who are you to be an exception to the rules.”

Aziraphale raised his head.

“I am the principality Aziraphale. Gaurdian of the Western gate of Eden.”

“Wrong answer.”

This time he saw the kick coming and braced himself he felt ribs crack but he kept his balance.

“When asked who you are you will respond “Nobody” or “nothing”. Because that’s what you are here. Nobody. Nothing .”

Aziraphale laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“It’s just if we’re all nothing then that makes you master of nothing.”

Whack! A metal gloved hand whacked across the angel’s face . Blood poured from his nose and one eye was already swelling.

“You want another? Talk less..scream more.”

Aziraphale promptly decided he would make a point of not screaming.

“Hold your wings out.”

What? He was now expected to participate in his own torture? How very rude!  
However he took one look at the whip and decided to pick his battles. He spread his wings dreading what would come next.  
But as the Demon put a hand to his wing he heard another voice.

“Not the wings! You know we aren’t allowed to do that. Higher ups will be pissed!”

“Fine.” She paused “What about the feathers? Do those count?”

Aziraphale shivered inwardly. 

“Dunno,” said the voice, “I don’t think so. Seeing they grow back. Have yourself a good old time..gotta go, meeting.”

Meeting?!

Aziraphale spoke then

“Will you be getting on with it or are you painting my portrait?”

The whip flicked out, burning pain seared across his shoulder.

“Shut up, you!”

A rough, burning hand glided over his wings caressing idly first one and then the other.

“You have such pretty wings. Soft. Like clouds. I had wings like those. They burnt up in my fall. Had to cut them off.”

Aziraphale’s pity outweighed his capacity to hate.

“I’m very sorry to hear that.”

“Shut up! The thing I remember most about having wings was how sensitive they were. The sensation when they were touched went straight to your core. Especially the feathers.”

Aziraphale gasped as the demon grabbed a hand full of his feathers and pulled.

Agony

Pieces of himself torn from him like weeds from a garden. 

As the last of the feathers lost Their hold on his skin he felt a scream building in his throat.

“Scream!”

The hoarse voice of the demon cut through his pain and anger flashed through him.

“Scream!”

No.

He swallowed the cry as fistful after fistful of feathers were wrenched from his fleshed.

“I told you to scream you worthless excuse for an Angel!”

But he didn’t. He retreated into himself to his very core. Drawing strength from that.

This body is not me. They may harm my body but they cannot harm me.

The pain stopped and he crumpled from relief.

“I’ll make you scream. You wait and see. Your nothing compared to the power of hell! No one and Nothing! “

She crouched by Aziraphale pulling his head up roughly.

“Who are you?”

“I-I am the principality Aziraphale…”

“Wrong answer.”

Something hard collided with his face and the world went Dark.

—————————————————————————-

He awoke to a flood of pain. His face and head throbbed and his wings felt like they were on fire and someone was calling no yelling his name.

“Aziraphale! Aziraphale! Talk to me! Aziraphale!”

“Isaac? “ 

Aziraphale shook off the muzzy feeling in his head as best he could.

“Isaac, it’s all right..I’m right here. I’m all right.”

An audible sigh of relief.

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“Oh it takes quite a lot more then a good roughing up to get rid of me. “

Isaac’s voice was sympathetic.

“Was it bad?”

“Torture generally is.”

“Come here.”

Isaac’s hand emerged from the grate. Let me see your face.

“Isaac, I’m feeling very ill. If I rest I can heal myself a bit but right now. I can’t even stand up straight.”

“Just for a minute. Just..try.”

Aziraphale sighed. Gathering what energy was left in him he staggered to the grate. Grasping the bars like a drowning man he managed to stay upright .

Isaac’s mottled orbs peered at him through the grate. He saw them grow wide.

“It really looks quite worse then it is.The wings hurt much more .”

“They hurt your wings?!”

“Pulled out a few feathers. Nothing that won’t grow back.”

Isaac’s voice was firm.

“Show me.”

Aziraphale protested but Isaac repeated.

“Show me.”

Aziraphale slowly and painfully spread his wings. He hadn’t seen them yet but he knew there were several raw bald patches. 

He heard Isaac curse. Then the eyes disappeared and pacing was heard.

“Isaac..calm down. Getting wound up won’t change anything.”

“You don’t deserve this. I wish they’d give me your beatings. I can take it.”

Aziraphale sighed.

“Are you saying I can’t? I’m a principality. I was created to guard and to defend. I may look fragile but I assure you I am something quite different underneath.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just..I deserve it and you don’t.”

“No one deserves to be treated like this Isaac.”

Aziraphale found himself swaying on his feet.

“Isaac, I need to rest now. Don’t worry, I’m all right. I just need time.”  
“Isaac

Aziraphale eased himself to the ground. Then Isaac spoke again.

“ I have a blanket. You should take it. You might be in shock.”

“I don’t need a blanket Isaac, I have my wings. But thank you.”

There was a silence and Aziraphale wrapped his burning wings around him and closed his eyes.  
In a feverish haze he hovered. Terrible images floated like phantoms before his eyes, memories of torture and fear and all through it the unending feeling of hopelessness. He went deeper into his core but even his angelic self was tired and hurting. Still he drew a pale flickering warmth from it that comforted him. 

With that warmth came a face and with that face a name.

“Crowley.” He whispered. The warmth seemed to grow as he said the name.

“ Crowley.”

In place of the hurtful images . Other ones emerged.

Crowley and he laughing and talking over a meal at the Ritz.

Crowley in his Bentley singing along to Queen at the top of his lungs with the windows open.

“Crowley, Crowley, Crowley..”

Sunlight in Auburn hair turning yellow eyes to gold.

Warmth, safety, Home. 

Crowley.

“ Crowley will come for me.” He whispered. “ He’ll come because he always does. That’s what we do. We take care of each other. He’ll come.”

He faded into a slumber then with Crowley’s name still on his lips.


	9. Hell of an Alli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley finds an Unlikely Alli who shows him one does not simply walk into Hell. You have to take the back door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language  
> Angst

If you want to get to Hades Town, you gotta take the long way ‘round..  
Ain’t no compass Brother ain’t no map..  
Just keep on walking and don’t look back until you get to the Bottom Land.”

-“Wait For Me “ from the musical “Hades Town.”

When the lights came back on Crowley was frantic. He searched every inch of the flat and shop. Deep down he knew where Aziraphale was but he refused to believe it.

Finally he ended up back in Aziraphale’s bedroom, facing a smashed mirror and cradling his bleeding hand.

“FUCK!”

He sank down on the floor weeping.

“I’m sorry, Angel. I’m so fucking sorry! I should have listened to you..I should have checked. Oh FUCK!”

“You really should get that hand zzzorted . All of Hell can probably zzzzmell it.”

Crowley whirled around a deep growling hiss gurgling from his throat. 

Beazlebub didn’t flinch.

“Oh cut the zzzhit Crawley! It’s me.”

Crowley stared wide eyed. Scales flickering over his skin. His breathing labored.

“Where Isssss he?”

The duke of hell smiled their rotten smile.  
At least they hadn’t brought their flies along. How thoughtful.

“Where do you think he izzzz?”

“I’ll find him! You can’t have him. He’sss mine! “

Beazlebub sighed wearily.

“Yezzz,yezzz, I know. You’d give your life for that little butterball. It’z dizzgusting. “

Crowley narrowed his eyes to serpentine slits at the other demon.

“Beez, why did you do this?! I thought we had an understanding.” 

“I did thiz to punish you, you know that. Don’t be zzztupid. You and your Angel. You made a fool of uzzz! “

Beazlebub scratched the back of their filthy neck.

“That was buizzznezzz. Now I’m going to give you a chance to get your Angel back.”

“Why would you help me?”

Beazlebub shrugged “Out of the goodnezzz of my heart? Oh…wait..”

They laughed if you could call it a laugh.

“Give me one reason I should trust you.” Crowley growled.

“I can’t. But, I am your only hope zzzo..!”

“Fine,” Crowley growled, “Talk.”

“Azzz you know one does not zzimply walk into hell through the front door. Even though you, Crowley would be juzzzt zzztupid enough to try. However, there izz another way. What if I told you Hell hazzz a back door?”

“I’d say you’re a fucking, Liar. I worked for hell for half of my celestial life if not more and never once did anyone mention a back door. It would be a huge security breech!”

“I know. It allows you to bi-pazz all the zzecurity bull shit and takes you directly to where the prizzionerzz are kept or should I say the damned .”

“Why would you even make a back door?”

“I had my reazzons I convinced them it was for body dizpozal. The dumb fucks never even thought that damned souls don’t have bodiezzz.”

She snorted.

“So if I take this tunnel it will take me to Aziraphale?”

“If you make it through. Yezz. But it’s not easy. The tunnel hazz a security system. If you want to get in or out you have to pazz a trial.”

Crowley’s tone was suspicious.

“What sort of a trial?”

“A difficult one.”

“Beez!”

The duke of hell rolled her eyes.

“A mental test. The tunnel reads your fears, your inzzecurities. It recreates them. You must walk through them. Keep walking, don’t stop and never, ever look back. If you look back you fail and you never get another chance.”

“Sounds like fun.” Said Crowley his voice feral, “When do I start?”

“I can take you there , now. If your sure..”

“I am.”

Beez sighed. “All right. Hold onto zzomething. I’m bad at thizz!”

A hand gesture and Crowley was nearly yanked out of his skin by a fiery wind.

The world went upside down and inside out.

Crowley’s one thought was:

“If I vomit on the Duke of Hell I’m going to be up shits creek.”

When the world finally went right side up Crowley found himself clinging to Beazlebub like a sucker fish on a rock.

For one moment they met eyes and a silent promise was made that this would never be spoken of again. Then they parted ways in disgust.

“That was a fucking Nightmare!”

“I told you didn’t I? By zz way touch me again and I’ll break your handzz.”

“You told me to hold onto something. What the fuck else was I supposed to hold onto?!”

The Duke of hell rolled their eyes as though to say “I am wayyyyyy to old for this bull shit.” 

“There.” A filthy finger pointed at what looked to be a loading dock door. Rusty and abused. “There’zz your back door. Knock yourzelf out.”

“That’s it? I just go in?”

“That’z what you do with a door. Yez”

He placed his hand on the door handle. Then turned back to Beazlebub.

“Don’t look back, Dumb Azzz! You all ready messed up!”

“This doesn’t count. I just need to ask,Beez. Why?”

The Demon squirmed.

“We we’re friendzz once. You remember. You we’re my friend Crowley when no one else cared about me. You accepted me and stood up for me. You were Kind. Not even I can forget that.”

Crowley smiled, “I’m still your friend Beez…so to speak.

“Fuck off! Your not! You can’t be. Now are you doing thizz or not?”

Crowley turned to the door suddenly he heard Beazlebub call to him.

“Crawley!.....Don’t look back.”

Crowley kept his eyes straight ahead and opened the door.

“See you on the other side.”

“You had better hope not.”

Crowley stepped past the thresh hold and the door slammed behind leaving him in Darkness.

“I’m coming, Angel.” He whispered, “Wait for me.”


End file.
